Tick Tock Tick Tock ...
Sound of a ticking clock, a human clock that moves so fast in time and that I've gone through 23 years and 3 months of life. All in a glimpse of an eye... from a kid, to a kindergarthen girl, to a primary school librarian, to a stubborn high school girl, to a bubbly uni girl and now a working woman with nothing but a lifeless job. I was driving back from work today as I heard over the radio a malay song.. sang by God-knows-who but it was about the past days.
Going back to my primary school days.. it was the best time ever where I don't have to think anything. All I need to know is UPSR is in Std 6 and that's pretty much about it. Don't hafta worry bout job, relationship, friendship.. all's there with no worries. I used to hang out so much with Rae that even the bus man thought I moved! We did stupid stuff which till now I find it stupid. I'd get down the bus with her at her house, we have lunch at her place.. den we lepak in her room. We'll take a tape recorder.. and we record our voices with stupid tones and animal sounds. Then, we'll play it over and over again and laugh. Bout 4pm, Rae will walk me back to my house...with her cycling la. We did that almost everyday and not get bored of it. On Mondays, we'll go for our persatuan thingy.. where we'd go to ching's house to wait for the time for the persatuan thingy. And there's where Ching's dog actually chased me all around the house til up the chair. heh. i'll never forget that. We'd did lotsa stuff, playing swing in ching's house.. it's all our childhood, our worry-free childhood life.
Highschool was a good memory too. Runnign out of school during school hours with the staffroom located at the front door was a challenge which we managed to escaped for the years in highschool. As we moved on to uni, life was still as sweet as honey. All we need to do is study and prepare for exam. It all ended 4 years later. Where we all stepped into the working world.
Working world.. that's where my worries all started. Sometimes I felt so vulnerable, so easily being harm and so open to any sorts of hurtful event. Perhaps I did a mistake coming to KL for a 1K basic pay job. But I'd thought I'd get a better one as I strive here, but my thoughts did let me down till to date. Looking at others achieving and excelling in their jobs, do made me have a green eye. How do I excel when I'm not given a chance? I looked for it, but no opportunities given or may I say, no luck was there. I was never lucky in life. Be it job, relationship, family and all those shites, I was never lucky. At times, I feel like giving up, I feel like let everything go, I feel so fucking down. Which part of life have I ever succeded? Career? still as unstable as a small boat in a big sea. Relationship? None was proper and none gave me the security but only problems and not even being a single bit serious. Think I wanan hop r'ship? No, I don't. Think I wanna hop job? No, I fucking don't. I'm tired. Very very tired. I wanna break down but I don't know where to. Anyone really knows my problem? I'd say nobody. Nobody actually knows what I'm goign through, nobody knows what i'm feeling. What everybody see is the outside of me. Nobody knows me, not my family, not my friends.
I really wish I could turn back the clock, going back to my past life. No worries at all. Nothing to think of. No career to think of and no relationship to think of. At least I wont' be so broken apart inside. Why must time pass by so fast? Why must we only have 365 days in a year? Why is there only 24 hours in a day? I don't wanna go on with this life, not in this way.