And I Don't Know Myself
I did something which I myself dont know if its right or not yesterday. It made me feel happier, it made me feel cared for. But somehow, I feel it's not really right. But if I listen to my heart, I don't feel anything is really wrong with it. You know.. my brain and my heart is contradicting. That's what I've being told and I felt it was true.
What if you had somebody which practically don't mean a thing? What if you had somebody who you call yours but its not really yours? What if you had somebody that you call yours when all the person does is to hurt you more and more?
It's either I stumble and fall again or I just go on as how life will be.
A lost soul with a disturbed mind in search of peace and beauty of life. Heal me, guide me. I need God.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Empty
Why do I feel so empty today? Why do I feel so useless today? I felt so freaking down today. I don't know what I'm doing in my life. I feel it's so empty n meaningless. It seems like i'm living my days for the sake of living it. I work just becoz I need to earn the money to go on with life. I go to work, I come back, I go to gym and sometimes with friends. That's pretty much with my life. Every morning waking up.. and every nite before going to bed.. feeling and hating the next day coz it's a fucking working day n I gotta blardi see the idiotic customers who gives nothing but problems. Why can't I land myself in a place that I wanna be? Think it's fun switching job? Think it's fun adapting to new things? No, I dont enjoy doing all those. I envy some of my friends with proper job and not having that dreadful feeling everytime they go to work.
AND SOME PEOPLE FUCKING THINKS THAT MY LIFE IS BLARDI SMOOTH AND IT'S ALL BOUT MYSELF. And I have an attitude that someone can't forgive. DO you really think I can forgive yours too? You dont know anything bout wha'ts my life about. You don't know how I feel, you don't know bout my past expereinces. You dont go tru wat i went tru, you dont have to face thigns that I face, thus, u feel life is how u take it, life is easy. That's cause u have not seen the world. You've not seen the problems people face. Everybody is brought to this world with different fates written in front of them. Different people see different kind of worlds. I want things to be back as how it used to be, but I know its impossible. You hate me now. I hate you too. I just dont know what you want. I don't know what happenned, what's happening and what's gonna happen.
I thought I've already got a bad day, feeling miserably horrible. Till, I finally managed to come online, just to speak to someone who just made my day went worst. Think could go to bed in this situation? fuck it.
Why do I feel so empty today? Why do I feel so useless today? I felt so freaking down today. I don't know what I'm doing in my life. I feel it's so empty n meaningless. It seems like i'm living my days for the sake of living it. I work just becoz I need to earn the money to go on with life. I go to work, I come back, I go to gym and sometimes with friends. That's pretty much with my life. Every morning waking up.. and every nite before going to bed.. feeling and hating the next day coz it's a fucking working day n I gotta blardi see the idiotic customers who gives nothing but problems. Why can't I land myself in a place that I wanna be? Think it's fun switching job? Think it's fun adapting to new things? No, I dont enjoy doing all those. I envy some of my friends with proper job and not having that dreadful feeling everytime they go to work.
AND SOME PEOPLE FUCKING THINKS THAT MY LIFE IS BLARDI SMOOTH AND IT'S ALL BOUT MYSELF. And I have an attitude that someone can't forgive. DO you really think I can forgive yours too? You dont know anything bout wha'ts my life about. You don't know how I feel, you don't know bout my past expereinces. You dont go tru wat i went tru, you dont have to face thigns that I face, thus, u feel life is how u take it, life is easy. That's cause u have not seen the world. You've not seen the problems people face. Everybody is brought to this world with different fates written in front of them. Different people see different kind of worlds. I want things to be back as how it used to be, but I know its impossible. You hate me now. I hate you too. I just dont know what you want. I don't know what happenned, what's happening and what's gonna happen.
I thought I've already got a bad day, feeling miserably horrible. Till, I finally managed to come online, just to speak to someone who just made my day went worst. Think could go to bed in this situation? fuck it.
Friday, October 20, 2006
FRIENDS
I've got a mail from Amelia.. well I don't know when but I just checked it today. It contains pictures with quotes on friends.
And I felt this is true.. this pic on the left.. well.. the quote is.. very true. Life's rule no. 1, You are never too busy to keep in touch with an old friend. Maybe this is only being absorbed by certain friends of mine and on the other hand certain people would just ignore despite of them not even being busy. Those arent what I call true friends. Have 'em or loose 'em, I now feel it doesn't make a difference. What's important is who you have around you now and who you know is a treasure that you found and that you know you must not let go.
And I believe those people who falls under both of the categories knows who they are. :)
I kinda like this one too. Not just the words but the picture too. :) But I guess the girl on the right side accidentally closed her eyes. Childrens are cute, aren't they? I dunno what's wrong with Mien. :X haha.
Kill me mien, I know you want to. :p
And I liked this one too!
But somehow, the 2 pictures looks more like a United Colors of Benetton ad. to me. haha.
*muacks muacks muacks + bonus huggies*
I've got a mail from Amelia.. well I don't know when but I just checked it today. It contains pictures with quotes on friends.And I felt this is true.. this pic on the left.. well.. the quote is.. very true. Life's rule no. 1, You are never too busy to keep in touch with an old friend. Maybe this is only being absorbed by certain friends of mine and on the other hand certain people would just ignore despite of them not even being busy. Those arent what I call true friends. Have 'em or loose 'em, I now feel it doesn't make a difference. What's important is who you have around you now and who you know is a treasure that you found and that you know you must not let go.
And I believe those people who falls under both of the categories knows who they are. :)
I kinda like this one too. Not just the words but the picture too. :) But I guess the girl on the right side accidentally closed her eyes. Childrens are cute, aren't they? I dunno what's wrong with Mien. :X haha.Kill me mien, I know you want to. :p
And I liked this one too!
But somehow, the 2 pictures looks more like a United Colors of Benetton ad. to me. haha.
Thanx peeps for all the good times we had. :D*Friends are my treasure and you guys know who you guys are and I treasure
yawl alot*
*muacks muacks muacks + bonus huggies*
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Life, A Series of Drama
Don't you think life's a drama? or will it be more like a game, is it how u play it? I personally think that life's a set of drama that sometimes fall in our control but most of the time it does not. It's way out of our control. We think that we are capable of controlling it but the fact is that we failed to control it and we do not wanna admit our mistakes. We sometimes think that we are strong freaks living in our own world and that we are in control of our lives. No, we are not.
When you think that you are doing the right thing, it turns out to be wrong. When you think you're with the right person, it turns out to be so wrong. When you think you've stepped your foot into somewhere right, it turns out to be somewhere you do not wanna be at too. At times, we just take for granted on what gonna happen in the future and we only care bout what is now. That's when the phrase comes, enjoy now, suffer later.
Life, for me, has been a complete set of drama with ups and downs, with tears and laughter, with happiness and pains. The first phase of my life, the childhood life which was pretty much perfect with a dad and mum ruined when my mum passed away in 1991 when i was only bout 7+. The end of chapter 1. And my life moved on living with my both aunties and I am grateful to say that I have them. Without them, I don't know really where will I be now. And life went on till I finally ended Std6. That's the end of another chapter and the beginning of a whole new chapter.
I got into SMBB which I practically hated coz my dad was there. Finally gotten myself into St. David's High which I was really delighted but I was thrown into the 10th class. FYI, there was bout 12 classes of form1 in my sch last time. There was like... berlambak students. I was moved to the 3rd class coz 1st n 2nd class is fully occupied by straight As students. And things went on happily and in form4 we had the floating class. It practically means we do not have a class. All we do is hop n jump to empty classes to have our class. It's fun actually. :) and then came the SPM year which i practically had LOTS of fun. I played truant, i ran out from school, i fought with teachers, i fought with SU KIN. lol. I was so carefree and there's nothing for me to worry and think about. Relationship at that time? Never even came to my mind. Till SPM is over, that's the end of the high school chapter.
Studies in MMU was quite fun too with my bunch of frenz, pig, tat, melia, mien. :) we did crazy stuff, we sang BSB song al the way back from Auyin Hill. I know it sounds pathetic, but seriously it was fun. It was the company that playes the major role. :) I finally graduated and that was the end of my uni life.
And bam, I got into the fucking working life. A beginning of a bumpy journey which I'm still fighting in now. A journey that's so bumpy that I couldnt even find a proper highway for me to get on! And after all these chapters and being at this stage now, I feel so useless and pissed with my life. I thought of my life in alot of aspects, from family to work to relationship. And I dont find any of them i ever had a smooth journey before. I really wished that I could turn back the clock and I wanna be in high school forever. I miss the life back then bcoz I dont feel burden on my back, i dont feel pressure on myself that I have to do something with my life.
But I've decided to put things behind me. To put all the failure and all the memories that breaks me down behind me. I will proceed with my life and what's over is over. I have to fucking get on my gears and look at the better future. I don't wanna be hanging and clinging over the clift unsure if I'll fall down or someone will save me. I have to save myself because I know, there's no one there to save me.
Don't you think life's a drama? or will it be more like a game, is it how u play it? I personally think that life's a set of drama that sometimes fall in our control but most of the time it does not. It's way out of our control. We think that we are capable of controlling it but the fact is that we failed to control it and we do not wanna admit our mistakes. We sometimes think that we are strong freaks living in our own world and that we are in control of our lives. No, we are not.
When you think that you are doing the right thing, it turns out to be wrong. When you think you're with the right person, it turns out to be so wrong. When you think you've stepped your foot into somewhere right, it turns out to be somewhere you do not wanna be at too. At times, we just take for granted on what gonna happen in the future and we only care bout what is now. That's when the phrase comes, enjoy now, suffer later.
Life, for me, has been a complete set of drama with ups and downs, with tears and laughter, with happiness and pains. The first phase of my life, the childhood life which was pretty much perfect with a dad and mum ruined when my mum passed away in 1991 when i was only bout 7+. The end of chapter 1. And my life moved on living with my both aunties and I am grateful to say that I have them. Without them, I don't know really where will I be now. And life went on till I finally ended Std6. That's the end of another chapter and the beginning of a whole new chapter.
I got into SMBB which I practically hated coz my dad was there. Finally gotten myself into St. David's High which I was really delighted but I was thrown into the 10th class. FYI, there was bout 12 classes of form1 in my sch last time. There was like... berlambak students. I was moved to the 3rd class coz 1st n 2nd class is fully occupied by straight As students. And things went on happily and in form4 we had the floating class. It practically means we do not have a class. All we do is hop n jump to empty classes to have our class. It's fun actually. :) and then came the SPM year which i practically had LOTS of fun. I played truant, i ran out from school, i fought with teachers, i fought with SU KIN. lol. I was so carefree and there's nothing for me to worry and think about. Relationship at that time? Never even came to my mind. Till SPM is over, that's the end of the high school chapter.
Studies in MMU was quite fun too with my bunch of frenz, pig, tat, melia, mien. :) we did crazy stuff, we sang BSB song al the way back from Auyin Hill. I know it sounds pathetic, but seriously it was fun. It was the company that playes the major role. :) I finally graduated and that was the end of my uni life.
And bam, I got into the fucking working life. A beginning of a bumpy journey which I'm still fighting in now. A journey that's so bumpy that I couldnt even find a proper highway for me to get on! And after all these chapters and being at this stage now, I feel so useless and pissed with my life. I thought of my life in alot of aspects, from family to work to relationship. And I dont find any of them i ever had a smooth journey before. I really wished that I could turn back the clock and I wanna be in high school forever. I miss the life back then bcoz I dont feel burden on my back, i dont feel pressure on myself that I have to do something with my life.
But I've decided to put things behind me. To put all the failure and all the memories that breaks me down behind me. I will proceed with my life and what's over is over. I have to fucking get on my gears and look at the better future. I don't wanna be hanging and clinging over the clift unsure if I'll fall down or someone will save me. I have to save myself because I know, there's no one there to save me.
Monday, October 16, 2006
LYN Malaccans V.7
The above pic taken in the new McD at Padang Pahlawan.. the newly build shit la. The pic from left to right.. me, kamwah, kels, alilmisfit, baoz and david.
a lil misfit @ adam con me and made me believed that he IS adam and thanx to the others i really thought he was til the end of the gathering. Thank God kels informed me. bolo mia misfit. jaga jaga engkau. beta shall never let u go! argh!
The above pic taken in the new McD at Padang Pahlawan.. the newly build shit la. The pic from left to right.. me, kamwah, kels, alilmisfit, baoz and david.
a lil misfit @ adam con me and made me believed that he IS adam and thanx to the others i really thought he was til the end of the gathering. Thank God kels informed me. bolo mia misfit. jaga jaga engkau. beta shall never let u go! argh!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Kocek Kosong
Today's a holiday for Selangor state, so wat i practically did was stay home whole day. coz all of my friends are working. hrmf. They all somehow fall under KL. argh.
I thought since I had time today, why not go do my car tire's alignment and balancing. And guess what? the bill came up to RM666.25. The bill is as evil as the number. damn. Now, i'm officially declared bankrupt for the month. Rob me and you'll cry. Coz, i'm living on overdraft! I'm owing the bank now. damnit.
These are the breakdowns of the damn charges
- Alignment RM15
- Camber both side RM90
- Balancing RM20
- Brake Lining/plate RM60
- Driveshaft RM160
- Gear Oil RM35
- 2 pcs.. cant read the writtin RM280
- service tax 6.25
- total = RM666.25
blardi evil. Now my pocket got lubang d. damn. Car's a liability damnit. And my blardi sales are still pending with HQ's approval.
Damn, i need money. Anybody knows of anywhere dat need partimers on sat n sun? :(
I'm officially broke.
DAMN!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
What if ...
I have crazy thoughts sometimes that can be really.. erhm....... crazy.
I was thinking to myself last Friday...
Each and everytime I make my trip back to my homie Melaka, I'll give my grandma a call to inform her that I'll drop by before I go home to my house in Bkt Beruang. And she'll go prepare dinner for me and sometimes for my frenz who are following my car as well. Just that last Friday, after speaking to my grandma over the telephone, I had this gush of feelings.
I was thinking to myself.. what if I never ever reached her house that night? What if something struck me along the highway and I was never able to make my way home? I was thinking and I couldn't imagine the pain they will go through if it happens.
Imagine cooking dinner for your grandchild and the next thing u know, she'll never come back for your dinner anymore. I duno why.. but I kinda sad when I had this thinking.
I told you I can have crazy thoughts sometimes.
Am I crazy?
I have crazy thoughts sometimes that can be really.. erhm....... crazy.
I was thinking to myself last Friday...
Each and everytime I make my trip back to my homie Melaka, I'll give my grandma a call to inform her that I'll drop by before I go home to my house in Bkt Beruang. And she'll go prepare dinner for me and sometimes for my frenz who are following my car as well. Just that last Friday, after speaking to my grandma over the telephone, I had this gush of feelings.
I was thinking to myself.. what if I never ever reached her house that night? What if something struck me along the highway and I was never able to make my way home? I was thinking and I couldn't imagine the pain they will go through if it happens.
Imagine cooking dinner for your grandchild and the next thing u know, she'll never come back for your dinner anymore. I duno why.. but I kinda sad when I had this thinking.
I told you I can have crazy thoughts sometimes.
Am I crazy?
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