Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am 26 this year.

I read through Joyce's blog the other day. And she mentioned about quarter-life-crisis. Which , I think.. it's kinda hitting me lately.

And here it comes again.. it's not just the job, not just the insecurity. It is also something else that I won't mention here. Something that makes me feel insecure and unsure about. Where is it heading? Am not very sure. The confusion, the unsimilarity, the disagreement, the passion and the wants. I am ... lost.

Then.. come the part where I wanna just do whatever I feel like doing. Like dump everything here in Malaysia and get away. GET OFF. like take life just as it is. A point which i feel like i am in bits and pieces. The neither here nor there thing again.

At some point, all I know is that I'm working towards the work holiday visa. I am afraid to fall back down to where I was 4 years ago but I thought to myself to fucking dump these shit and just go out and see the world for awhile. It could be a few months or it could be a few years. I don't know.

Read these findings.

Emotional aspects

Kazimir Malevich's impressionist Unemployed Girl (1904)

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include[citation needed]:

  • feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level (true)
  • frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career(fucking true)
  • confusion of identity (not so much, i think i sorta know who i am)
  • insecurity regarding the near future (yes.dont know where m i next year or wat im gona do and i hate the feeling of being insecure.)
  • insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals (true. i need my own property and i need my point to be proven to nobody else but my dad coz he's the only person that looks down upon me. I hate him.)
  • insecurity regarding present accomplishments (true. where have i moved to since i joined here in june 07, only i know how it feels.none of my family or even my friends will ever understand.)
  • re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
  • disappointment with one's job(not achieving what I intended to in the beginning and watching others succeed is such a pain)
  • nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life (not really.i think i club more now than uni time :/)
  • tendency to hold stronger opinions
  • boredom with social interactions (NO)
  • loss of closeness to high school and college friends (yeah to a certain extent)
  • financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.) (FUCK EXPENSES, FUCK BILLS AND FUCK MY LANDLORD-BITCH!)
  • loneliness (to a certain extent)
  • desire to have children (i have always thought kids are really adorable :) )
  • a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (haha.and i fucking take that personal)
the-quarter-life-crisis
"You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just
like to be a contender! "

Tell me why I am not suppose to be feeling like this. WHY?

And now I feel like crap. It's 2am and im not feeling i'm of any importance to the world, to my life
and to my well being. Neither am i even important to my family, especially to my dad. I feel insignificant. And i fucking hate it coz I love spot lights.

Screwed-up-piece-of-shit.

16 comments:

aLittleMisfit said...

sudahlah... baru 26 mau complain....

this is suppose to be the best time in your life

after 30 all downhill :P

** stella ** said...

after 30 is when i will feel shitty if i really never get to do anything i want to do.

i sked that time i dont know wath i'll do to myself. jialat. :/

miss m said...

muaks muaks muaks!!!

** stella ** said...

basah siak. lol.

Anonymous said...

this is so gonna sound cliched but everyone has its fair share of ups and downs... the difference here is how we handle it and im a firm believer that the ONE upstairs wont give us a problem which we are not able to solve..

soldier on dear... you will always have us cheering you on..

Vince said...

Totally agree with Anonymous here (whoever you are).

I believe that life is fair, and God is fair. Everyone has their own set of problems they have to deal with; their own crossroads to face; and their own cross(es) to bear.

What you are going through is merely scratching the surface and unfortunately, things will only get worse, but they don't necessary have to. The difference lies in your how you face your problems.

My wife always say to me, mixing with a little of my own words, "When you're in a pile of sh*t, you're in a pile of sh*t and ain't nothing is gonna change that. Rather than getting angry, and in the process, making everyone around you suffer, why not just face it with the right attitude and focus all your energy on how to solve the problems you have. You'll be much more effective that way, not to mention happier."

And she is right. Anger is one of the biggest reason why people are ineffective.

You can't change the situation you're in, all you can change is how you face it. That in itself, will make a world of difference :) and may be THE difference that can move you towards success.

Remember all those around you who cares for you. Everyone is important to someone and I'm pretty sure there are people who thinks the world of you. They may not know how to show it, or may not be important to you enough to matter, but I'm pretty sure they are there :D

Vince said...

I'm also fairly sure you probably won't finish reading my previous posts or at least will scold me for being so long winded :P

Amelia Ooi said...

Seconded Vince's statements... *thumbs up*

Lat, you're being too emo... =p Remedy = club more...

Hahahah...

** stella ** said...

Dear Mr Anonymous,

would be glad if u put a name to that.well, i blif in ups n downs too. but a lil' too much down tends to drag u further.

:) thanx for ur note :)

Vince,
yes... damn long winded man. 5 minutes to finish reading. lol.

I'm not really angry in that matter. I am just being... EMO. its just the feeling like the world is against me. so yeah.

lol. dont worry. i wont commit suicide. :/

melia,
club is sooooooooooo not a remedy for me. jolyn maybe. haha.

club is club la. just for fun. :) travel is more like it :)

miss m said...

always remember we love u lat..

and always remember whatever I told u on MSN, I really meant it ok?

:))

for a second there I thought Vince was Vincent Tan and I was like shit since when he got married?!

then oni it struck me that it's vince ur colleague :)

lat, let's go tioman next weekend!

Angela said...

read my blog .. sorry if i said anything wrong ..

** stella ** said...

midz,

that's almost equivalent to when i said .. we must never name our kids jason or vincent now. haha... confusing, ain't it? :p

talkin bout tioman,... i can't go :( :p i'll be in pulau ketam on the 1st. wei lee told me bout it d.

Vince said...

Aiyoh! Does being EMO means I'm going to get more "dera-ing" come next week? Oh dear Lord, have mercy on moi!!

Good you are not considering what you said you are not considering LOL!

Miss M,
Unfortunately I'm not your friend (I assume) Vincent Tan nor am I the filthy rich owner of Berjaya. But I'm pretty sure your friend got that "So, how does it feel like to be filthy rich?" crap a lot more than I do :P.

thenomadGourmand said...

yo yo gal..finally got ur blog! nice!
as for this post, hey..it happened to me this year..last yr was worse..i'm stil slogging on ..and try to make things better..not ez.
Tired, lonely but juz cant give up u know? u got a fren here in me *hugs*

ttboy said...

ahla...emo siak...been dere done dat...
u will c d light @ d end of d tunnel for sure :)

** stella ** said...

reb: thanx *huggies* yeah i'm not giving up. infact the CS spirit is still in me. :p

ttboy: lol. hopefully i see the light as soon as possible!