I read through Joyce's blog the other day. And she mentioned about quarter-life-crisis. Which , I think.. it's kinda hitting me lately.
And here it comes again.. it's not just the job, not just the insecurity. It is also something else that I won't mention here. Something that makes me feel insecure and unsure about. Where is it heading? Am not very sure. The confusion, the unsimilarity, the disagreement, the passion and the wants. I am ... lost.
Then.. come the part where I wanna just do whatever I feel like doing. Like dump everything here in Malaysia and get away. GET OFF. like take life just as it is. A point which i feel like i am in bits and pieces. The neither here nor there thing again.
At some point, all I know is that I'm working towards the work holiday visa. I am afraid to fall back down to where I was 4 years ago but I thought to myself to fucking dump these shit and just go out and see the world for awhile. It could be a few months or it could be a few years. I don't know.
Read these findings.
Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
- feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level (true)
- frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career(fucking true)
- confusion of identity (not so much, i think i sorta know who i am)
- insecurity regarding the near future (yes.dont know where m i next year or wat im gona do and i hate the feeling of being insecure.)
- insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals (true. i need my own property and i need my point to be proven to nobody else but my dad coz he's the only person that looks down upon me. I hate him.)
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments (true. where have i moved to since i joined here in june 07, only i know how it feels.none of my family or even my friends will ever understand.)
- re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
- disappointment with one's job(not achieving what I intended to in the beginning and watching others succeed is such a pain)
- nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life (not really.i think i club more now than uni time :/)
- tendency to hold stronger opinions
- boredom with social interactions (NO)
- loss of closeness to high school and college friends (yeah to a certain extent)
- financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.) (FUCK EXPENSES, FUCK BILLS AND FUCK MY LANDLORD-BITCH!)
- loneliness (to a certain extent)
- desire to have children (i have always thought kids are really adorable :) )
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (haha.and i fucking take that personal)
"You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just
like to be a contender! "
And now I feel like crap. It's 2am and im not feeling i'm of any importance to the world, to my life
and to my well being. Neither am i even important to my family, especially to my dad. I feel insignificant. And i fucking hate it coz I love spot lights.